Right, I'm hopelessly, hideously bored by law, but then again nothing's new. I've not updated properly in ages, mainly because not much happened (okay untrue, Halloween happened and that was ludicrous fun and there are pictures, but as usual they'll never see the light of day) and then a whole lot of school-related bullshit happened as it tends to do, and then there's that long-distance relationship I find myself still in (whoop de doo?) and then general academic woe and doom, crap I am taking so many modules and sweet Jesus it is dull.

But news! I find out I'm slated to graduate early, which means this time next year I'll be doing my last exams EVER (I might have to come back the next summer to clear a summer module, but that's okay I reckon). Which means I shall be running off and doing something I don't hate a full six months before I had expected, and when I graduate I'll be twenty-two, which somehow just doesn't feel as tragic and like I've barely lived as graduating at twenty-three. Now I'm suitably excited about this, because having worked off my debt (or academic obligation to my parents, rather, to do a degree that will allow me to eat occasionally, especially when I am hungry) I can run off and blow a lot of money on things that are likely to keep me properly hungry and poorly fed. Whoo! So come Januaryish 2011 I'll be in New York to learn Final Cut Like Whoa and then perhaps run around the Americas for a bit and visit my boyfriend, after which I'll be back in Singapore to see if I have to clear anything else to graduate during the summer. After that I'm going to do something that I've spent years dreaming of, which is run off to New York (again, t'is the dream innit?) for a year and learn to, wait for it, be a film-maker, ha-hah. It's kind of strange in that it's the only thing I've ever really wanted desperately, and waited a long time to come even close to (much besides, it's most of the reason I've spent the past three years subjecting myself to law school, so that I could run off without feeling like I'd let my parents down and spent all their money on something they'll never see their money back on). I don't know, I feel like I've been remarkably grown up about all this, (finally, my years of agony and pragmatism will pay off soon) and fucking hell, it's actually going to come to pass, and it's great and terrifying.

And just to remember what I'm subjecting myself to - this term I'm doing five and a half modules and it's mad. One of them's finance and I want to throw up just thinking about it, exams are in a little over a week and yeah things aren't looking particularly bright, in fact right now I'm journalling out of heinous boredom. I don't know, this term has been sort of insane, with firstly the workload and secondly the long-distance she-bang, neither of which are particularly pretty. Honestly I'll be so glad when this term's over, which it will be, incredibly soon, but now I wish it wouldn't just so that I'd have a bit more time to be a bit less screwed.

Speaking of long-distance, a couple of days after my last exam I'm flying off to Minnesota to see the boy, which is good and I would be looking forward to it a lot were it not for how my spirit has been broken by the sheer immensity of crap I need to get done in the next week. In theory though, I'm absolutely ecstatic I suppose, but I can't really tell because it's been a long time since I've felt anything besides a dulled sense of despair.

On a brighter note, sometimes I am bunnies! (circa early 2008)



This entry is too long and I have work to do. Oh, there is so much wrong with the world!

Today the weather was beautifully dreary, which was rather refreshing given how of late, especially, Singapore has subjected us all to intolerable heat even for people largely accustomed to living inches away from the Equator. It was so lovely in its cool post-rainyness that I decided to walk home a couple of MRT stations(ish, at least), which started off pleasant enough and then degenerated into the humid cesspool of annoyance and discomfort that we're normally treated to. Coupled with how the distance was actually significantly greater than what I had previously anticipated, my enchantment with the loveliness of today (and its accompanying Oh it's great to be alive-type sentiment) evaporated quickly, and right now I'm back to feeling tired and disgruntled hoo yay.

So summer's begun, and honestly I'm not all that enthused. I mean yeah, hell it's better than school term, but I don't know who I'm kidding with my remaining university years to look forward to. That aside I've got internships to get through, some travel plans and about a million things to get done, but honestly I'm just not feeling it. Oh god I'm going to be old (in a week or so I'll be majoritarily-aged) and I'm going to have to be responsible, holy hell. Right about now I'm just trying my best to be occasionally productive, I'm in a spot of age and situation-related existentialism, just a bit (and a bit more than that on other days), but actually who am I kidding, it's only because I've not gotten L4D on my iMac yet, which I think is a very valid cause of existential angst - what's the point in life if you're not killing zombies at every waking moment, really? (That isn't true of course, there are other things to do, but they should be moderated with a regular injection of undead-deadening, which I have not been getting, oh no.)

And with that I shall trundle off to try to do something about my room or to cut one of yesteryear's silly projects, both of which I've been putting off for ever.

WHY IS MY LIFE SO TRAGIC, one might ask, and one would be answered quickly and resoundingly “it’s because you’re in law school DUH!” So today we come back to this, what am I doing here, why am I doing this, perhaps I should start an orphanage or something instead because I don’t care about this, I’m not good at this, and I really couldn’t care less about everything I read, please god make it stop.

Why do I do this to myself (money), what do I hope to achieve (money), am I selling my soul (yes)? I can get by normally from day to day, being so nobly motivated and everything, but at this point the shit has hit the fan (because there’s too much to do it’s all due like now, I hate doing every bit of it, it takes too much effort for what I get back from it for what I have to go through for it – oh I just want to drop out of school) and now I just want to have a seizure so I can not do any of the things I have to do, and what’s more I’ll be able to stay home and do as I please.

I think I may go upstairs, cry cry cry to myself quietly in my head for a while, and then I shall put on my lawyerly sad face and do my appellate brief. In a couple of weeks we must all make like we’re lawyers in a fake case and I think it’s rather hilarious and sad, because for half of us (okay I exaggerate, it’s probably just me) it’s just this ridiculous pantomine of trying to be grown up since it’s the last thing in the world I would ever be doing.

Actually I think that’s thoroughly appropriate. This whole law school debacle is just my very personal ridiculous pantomine of trying to be grown up, doing grown-up things like things you don’t actually like, and being practical about them and working towards being fed sometime in the future. It’s just a bit sad, really. I want to have exciting university-type learning or extra-curricular things (which doesn’t happen around here, no duh), I want money and success too, I want to actually do shit I like and more than anything else I want to drop out of school.

Well the first year’s almost over, only three years left of this infernal pain left, is what I reason, life’s tough SUCK IT UP, but really what it is is that I’m a child, and while all these sound reasonable in my head really in my heart of hearts I can’t understand any of it, crying “Hwah! The only thing I really want to accomplish in life is a pikachu baby jumpsuit! I don’t want to do this working on law things shit!” And really all these episodes, they’re just tantrums really, pay no attention please. OH GOD HOW OLD AM I, LIKE FIVE? (yes)

This is what I had planned for the weekend that is just over - productivity and respective pride. Obviously this is not how things actually unfolded. Instead, I have done not very much at all and I am ashamed of myself. Damnit! I was so looking forward to that productive glow of self-importance etc. At any rate, okay, school is school which i taken to mean shit, there are about four weeks left of school before exams, during which EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS DUE/HAPPENING. OH WELL WORLD.

Anyway! So what's been happening with me. Mainly a lot of guilt, and after that, a special timed release sort of stomach ache (Too Much Information)? I'm rather displeased by everything, but once it is over things will be fine and peachy, and there will be dancing in the streets once again! But lately I've realised that I'm not mature enough to be either in law school (but we all knew that already) and or in a relationship (I am but a child! What should I know about relating) and guys, this is totally NOT ON.

But happier things - I'm going to be in England fairly soon! Okay, no, like in May till June, so if you live in the Motherland obviously I want to see you, so hit me up!

Dear everyone in the world,

I have completed my legal writing assignment! Huzzah! Of course this does not matter in the greater scheme of things (in view of the many assignments that are uncompleted of the many students in the world, and how even if put together all this academic shit really doesn't matter), and the world cares not for my small triumph, but CHRIST I AM SO GLAD I AM DONE. I spent like hours trying to trim of 200 words off my 2200-word-long essay, and now I am down to 1996 I AM SO PROUD.

Of course, now I have to start on my Business, Government and Society essay (what ever the hell Business, Government and Society is) and it is due on Thursday, but at this point I feel nigh invincible so HAVE NO FEAR!

Other things I am proud of: I have thought of something to do for Valentine's Day, and I find it amusing and therefore generally pleasing!

LOL I guess that's about it, considering I've got oodles to do this week and I've done so little. BUT! I AM THE CHAMPION WORD-CHOPPER, I WILL CUT YOU ALL DOWN, NO LONG-WINDED ESSAY IS A MATCH FOR ME!

Holy god it's almost 3am. Okay night expect an update soon. (See how I was cryptic about Valentine's Day? YOU WILL SOON ALL KNOW. And be fairly disappointed because it's not that big a deal at all really, it's like lame and small.)

It’s horrendous and disgusting how I’ve put off putting my new years’ resolutions down in writing – not a good start, clearly. But January’s almost over, and this is appalling! Oh, but to make up for this failure, I have pictures of me when smaller! During the last bout of particularly jubilant holidays my parents unearthed stacks of baby pictures, so here are a handful (a small handful, like that of a small person) of pictures which fits thematically for am I not starting anew?

( FOR I AM RESOLVED! AND DETERMINED! AND FULL OF SPIRIT! )

Wargh. So every year I do this meme, (insert year here) in review, so here it is this year. I was actually a little worried that I wouldn't get around to doing it, the way nowadays how it happens is there's too much to be done or there's too much to worry and whine about that I spend so much time doing that and so I don't get much else done, and Christ that was a pretty uninteresting note to make, but that would reflect everything that's going on now really.

( 2007 in Review. )

So mainly this year has been awesome and then terrible, and the new year looks set to follow in the latter fashion. I've been pretty pathetic at managing and making myself happy, which is very poor on my part; I'm barely the person I used to be and I think it shows. I feel really old and like my problems have moved up a notch - they now seem closer to adult problems, whatever the hell that means, or perhaps that's just because I'm sadder and too tired to find the good in the grand scheme of things, and I swear I'm not going to be this way any more.

So yes, this year I'm about at the saddest, most pathetic I've ever been in a festive season. And ridiculous, let's not forget.

See, a couple of days back I was walking around and I saw the absolute cutest baby sweater (a turtleneck! with festive print!) in the world for five bucks. And then I thought, holy god, I know babies! I should buy things for babies, because I simply must buy this sweater!



So I did, and I thought it would look so cute on the baby boy I babysit. But then there was only one piece and the girl wouldn't have one and politically that's a terrible thing to do, and the other baby cousin I knew I don't like anywhere close to as much as I like the babysat boy, and then I started thinking "hey, actually it looks incredibly stretchy! And I'm actually tiny too!" and then ( I went off the edge. )

Yes, so this season I've hit new lows - incidentally I feel pretty un-festive and antisocial, for I have not conducted my yearly ritual of making and sending out Christmas cards and so it does not at all feel like the season, and I also feel really disappointed at myself (how did it come to this, no Christmas cards?!), and also HOLY SHIT SCHOOL IS STARTING SO SOON NOOOOO NOOOOO MAKE IT GO AWAY AUGH. On the bright side, I have just procured a handful of presents for some people, which is about due considering it's an hour to Christmas, so it can't possibly be that bad and besides, there's turkey tomorrow (YAY! I've been looking forward to it all week!).




Well, Merry Chrimbole. Here's my kid brother growing out of his cute stage into strange impending dorky tragedy (with the gaming, and the ninjas, and the swords), which is fairly appropriate given that indeed, this year has seen the transition from sheer exuberance into horrific academic (which is comparable to dorky) misery (only two weeks left, shit!), ho ho ho.

So today I went to the doctor, and asked him why I got fevers at night all the time which rather exacerbates my innate inability to sleep, why my stomach was weird and my life was terrible, and why I got cold sores that have been there for like a fortnight and he said, and I quote, "well that's your immune system's way of telling you it's half-dead". Also, I might have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which apparently is pretty common among law students according to him, since it's deeply stress-related. It's a pity they only prescribe like paracetamol and chlormine and nothing hardcore likesay, morphine or vats of chocolate - that way I'd at least look forward to medicating.

Anyway. So yep, the considered medical opinion is that I'm half-dead, and I tend to concur. In fact, I'm half-dead and half the person I used to be; I used to actually be happy. And this is ridiculous - I don't get stressed! I mean I do but only over silly things like zombie movies and planning weddings, but I love that and once it's over with I'm like a happy muffin. Sure, law school is horrid, and it's not just law school university is horrid period, and it's like perpetual but it's not like I'm devoting a lot of time to it at all, in fact soon it's going to come up behind me and bite me in the ass what with exams (ho ho!) that I'm not thinking about because it's not even close to what I really want to do, which is a terribly destructive attitude to adopt but oh well.

Christ. Oh wait it seems to be about time my nightly fever and general nausea and insomnia kick in, so I should go writhe on my bed pathetically about now.

Today I bring you the saddest story in the universe.

So what I meant to do today, you know, being Halloween and all, was to dress up at least fairly elaborately and go to school, especially since on every other day of the year I just slink about campus looking like I've travelled by foot from a beach somewhere far off. I figured, if you're going to bother at all with how you look (which everyone else seems to do being glamourously at college) you might as well go all the way, and I had conceptualised and fashioned a costume of sorts in the lead-up, and I was sort of pleased about it. Cut to last night, where I was feverish and writhing on my bed refusing to believe that the universe was this against me, and this morning where I couldn't for the life of me get up, felt sad for a bit and then passed out.

What this means is that I am deprived of the opportunity to get rid of my slummy just-fell-out-of-bed bumness for but a day; Oh woe, my moment has passed! And because I am all sickly I am unlikely to do the clubbing thing (it would be unethical to skip a day of school and then party the night away, and anyway of late I've been too exhausted by school that dancing inebriatedly seems to no longer be my thing), so all I'm doing is dressing up and going for dinner somewhere suitably festive with the boyfriend and Esther. While it isn't likely to be the exciting debacle of yesteryear with PJ whores or a similarly spirited affair with the girlschoolgirlfriends, which really is rather saddening, it's alright since this year I seem wont to pass out more than anything else.

Speaking of saddening things, school caught up with me and I missed the Fly-By-Night Video Challenge deadline this year. Truly this is an end of an era - I've done it as long as I've seriously cared about film, just as how for the past couple of years I've been really on for doing silly things and dressing up and the like, how did it comes to this?

Though frankly it's very simple. Everyone is busy, and/or overseas, or not completely on speaking terms. And without the group to do it with it doesn't really matter how awesome what you plan to do is in its own right, because at some point it doesn't really feel like it's worth the effort. Honestly it's terrifyingly sobering realising that it's downhill from here - we'll only get older and further apart in where we are and mean to be.

Assholes :), I miss you all, and honest to god I hate university, because it's ridiculous and no one should care so much about something that matters only in such a limited sense. University is honestly taking it out of me, the enthusiasm and general zest, the want to be happy and do things I like and have fun. It's really draining and there isn't a pay-off, and I just want to travel or sit at home learning to cook or make things. And sleep more. I'd like to do that.

On the bright side, the other day I dreamt I saw the Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows movie, and it was absolutely mind-blowingly brilliant. So I expect great things. Anyway, Happy Halloween everyone, go dress up and have candy and maybe alcohol, and take lots of pictures and show me, kay? To inspire you to heights of moronicity and terror:



YOU ALL HAD BETTER SHOW ME PICTURES. >(

I want to talk about the 3rd Singapore Short Cuts at the National Museum, which I went to with aerocranes, Vincent and Shimona, because today's session was only mind-blowingly amazing and now I am even less motivated to study for my A Levels, aha. Yes, oh yes, I have succeeded in motivating myself even less - never has failure looked so appealing.

I don't suppose there's any point in going into great detail about what was screened (the idea is to screen Singaporean short films to make like there is hope, and surprise surprise, there is!), mostly because you're likely never going to see any of the films and precious little information is available online (or perhaps I just mostly suck at digital stalking, I think that's it) but seriously though it was amazing, on its own and especially in comparison to last week's. What became quickly apparent was how amazing Ngee Ann Polytechnic's School for Film and Media Studies is, the by-product of the aforementioned being an entertaining tax-driver story, with only the greatest Singaporeanisms there are entitled Aik Khoon and this scary as hell horror movie about a Pontianak which was absolutely amazing and horrifying oh I am so impressed. And there was this other film which was Untitled which had gay sex and was amazing for one done entirely in thirty-six hours for a challenge, much like the insanity of last year's Fly-By-Night fiasco only incomparably harder and better done. I swear the filmmaker of that is my god, because that's crazyamazing, and also because shit he was really cute and during the Q&A he was all bored and finger-drumming! And while we speak of boys: damn, man, such standard! The director of the taxi-driver story also acts and models and is uh, really cute. Putting all greater film-making aspirations and the repulsion to academics aside I should have gone to Ngee Ann if only for the boys, because damn, man, such standard!

I don't really want to talk about Eric Khoo since he's all established so I had anticipated the quality (apart from the preachyness, No Day Off was absorbing and important, outlining the plight of domestic workers in Singapore), but I really should look into him properly, the way I keep meaning to watch Royston Tan but considerably less significantly (than the latter, I mean). I want to talk about how I never thought there would be so many Singaporean films of such brilliance (especially after the absolute crap of last week's screening), and how Ngee Ann must be doing something really amazing and I never knew. Recent discoveries to the contrary has left me almost wanting to screw up my A Levels just so I can not go to university and do the non-eating film-maker thing instead, which is awfully convenient considering how ill-prepared I am for major examinations and how little I am inclined to change that. It's not that I actively don't want to go to university because I really wouldn't mind, but I don't really want to go either. This is sheer stupidity, obviously, because if I go to Singapore Management University I would go for free since my dad's faculty and they have perks, and who in the right mind would pass up a free university degree in whatever? The problem remains that a free university degree in whatever (in this case business for it's painfully dull but also the most viable) isn't what I want to do, not really, and even if I get straight As (ahaha) it doesn't get me any closer to where I actually want to be. Which is not actually motivational at all so this isn't a good place to be, but what can one do except look on the bright side (ACADEMIC SUCCESS = GOOD, IMPLICATIONS OF FAILURE = GREAT!) and let things happen as they will, with perhaps some sort of action on my part at some point?

In other news, while discussing my personal philosophy on love, sex and everything in between, it has been concluded that I am a boy, according to Shimona, and as you know, Shimona is always right. Oh well, what can you do.

Oh my fucking god. Seeing signs up at Kinokuniya has just hit it home -

Neil Gaiman is fucking coming to fucking Singapore.

Fucking hell, I need to start coming up with something brilliant or non-silly to say or do or oh my god oh my god. And also I must start planning days to skip school for mobbing at the airport, stalking, that sort of thing. Oh my fucking god.

Also - I've spent the last five hours or so trying to write an essay. I lie, considering I was doing anything but, but at present my god, I am pretty fucked for it. It's due Monday, but I really want to get it done now if not I'll sleep and forget everything oh my god. I've quite forgotten how to write essays in the course of two weeks, and now, I am fucked. It was going well until my head exploded.



( OMFGNO! )

Oh god, my life is over, and I cannot do this pffft I hate feminism like whoa now. Note the misspelling of patriarchy due to lateness of hour and GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE that's it I'm dropping out of school. If anyone wants to write an essay on Caryl Churchill's Top Girls for me, please do and I will love you forever and ever and ever.

Okay, right. Bloody feminist lit. Back to it.

Today I feel a bit like keeling over and dying, not in an active angsty sense but in a "meh, I don't want to do this anymore" type of sentiment. In the sense that I feel like dropping out of school entirely, eloping (anyone up for it?), running off to Andorra (sounds peaceful enough, anyway) or starting a revolution. If I was motivated enough I could even achieve all of the above, but that would take far more strength of character than I could humanly muster. Anything, really, just not what I am currently doing now, or not doing, in the case of Math homework, reading Lit readings or studying Economics.

I feel a bit like doing something brilliant with my life, but that's almost purely Office-inspired, which by the way finished watching yesterday and my god, brilliance? Shimona: if you have the Christmas special I will love you for life. I don't know, but I'm feeling horribly unmotivated to do anything, specifically or otherwise, and mostly to move and things. Were JC not madinsane, I would skip school tomorrow, but there are things that must be done, homework to be copied, that sort of thing.

I want The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to be out quicker, almost just to be able to read the books after. It's like this, see - good books rarely make better movies, and the less I know about Douglas Adams when I see it, the better it will be appreciated, from what I've heard, anyway. And whoo, MARTIN FREEMAN YES PLEASE. The whole problem with this rationale is that I've effectively screwed up every potential movie-adaption for myself as it is and will keep doing so, meaning I might kill myself when V comes out but what can you do.