Right. You know how I resolved to write more, and to be honest and what-not? I've been rather terrible at all of that thus far, and I was hoping to rectify that a bit.

Well lately I've been rather despondent about everything, and not talking about why because that's what I do. Even with my nearest and dearest I've not said a word, not really, god forbid someone catches on and I've not yet formulated an appropriate reaction or response for if they do. I mean it's not like a big deal or anything, I'm just on the lugubrious, melancholy side, and I'm just trying to figure things out a bit, but I can't help but feel like I'm hiding things from people anyway by saying nothing, and I think nothing good can come of that so here I am.

I don't much want to be existential, but I suppose that's the horrible indulgent place we all end up when we're feeling less than great. This may have something to do with any or all of the following:
1) the tragicomedy that is law school (and related workload that's being ignored)
2) the horrifying jolt of reality, brought on by internship talk and thought and general planning
3) what comes after item 1 and 2 (read: working life! and the future!), which is even scarier
4) I don't know what to make of love anymore (yes, I know, how maudlin, cry me a river etc)

and pretty much culminates in:
5)Shit I don't feel like doing anything at all but sleeping in.

I can't seem to bring myself to be productive at all, even the non-academic for-a-laugh type gigs, like stupid songs and stuff on lists that I've wanted to do forever - I have all these plans that I really want to carry out but now it seems like I haven't the heart for it, I haven't the heart for anything for that matter. I feel rather dispassionate about everything, which is worrying because I'm rarely like this - I'm generally perpetually excited by small silly things, and sometimes larger silly things, and at this point in time I want neither ridiculousness nor entertainment, because I'm just that morose.

Mainly what it is is that, yes I'm going to say it, I don't know about love anymore. This is a new low, obviously, and I've outdone myself in whiny indulgence. I just don't understand it at all, and, I say, mournfully and emphatically, I don't believe in love anymore. Which is probably not really true and is just me being dramatic, as I am wont to do, but after yesteryear's romantic misadventure and subsequent trainwreck, I wonder about the nature of love, and how far it's actually worth anything. Last year I loved a boy and would have given the world for him, and this year I feel like he never happened to me, nothing's change at all, that apart from this rather uncharacteristic pensiveness he barely left a mark. It's like when in conversation you recall something and bring it up, but can't for the life of you remember how exactly you came upon it and whether you came upon it at all, for which you include the disclaimer "but don't take my word for it, I might have dreamed that one". I wonder about how it came to this, how someone can go from meaning everything to you and then nothing within weeks, honestly whatever that is it can't have been love, or if it was goddamn, it's been grossly misrepresented. Alternatively I could have just somehow managed to block everything out, but honestly I hope not because that just isn't healthy.

In any case I need to fuck off and mull over things, which was really what I was trying to say before I got sidetracked by all that emotional drivel. Which I'm actually feeling pretty good about, because I like figuring out where I stand and gleaning a system, a principle or, with any luck, and Important Truth (ho ho) from it. I've always believed vehemently that love is enough, and now that I don't any more everything's askew. When I was five I saw an episode of the Nanny which introduced to me the concept of exes, and when I asked my parents what an ex was I was thoroughly appalled and distressed by their answer - I just couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could have an ex, it wasn't possible because love is forever. And I suppose somehow that had stuck (even today I'm averse to that term, and if you notice I never use it as far as possible, which is probably also due to a personal obsession with names and definitions), and I managed a couple of decades of being more certain of it than anything else, but now it feels like I've lost my religion, as silly and overwrought as that sounds.

When I started writing this I meant to give a bit of an update of work-related things like internships, plans and work that I'm avoiding, though there's really nothing new there, but I think my point was going to be that I'm shelving everything till I get this sorted out to a functional level at the very least, or until I get bored of all this thinking, which ever happens first (I'm inclined to think it'll be the latter). I suppose this lengthy, unrewarding (for the casual observer and loyal reader alike) entry is simply a manifestation of the urge to purge. Speaking of purging, and manifestations and yours truly:

I remember you the way I remember yesterday’s lunch in all its foggy utility: “I guess I had some sandwich, meat-based, and it kept me alive?”

Yes, I'm sorry guys, I am that pretentious. I trust I'll grow out of it, though, sometime soon one hopes, but in any case I shan't subject you to that again. Expect a triumphant, exuberant return at some point! It may not be timely, but when it does turn up it will be accompanied by nominally exciting adventures and the gazillion pictures I keep promising to put up.

This is what I had planned for the weekend that is just over - productivity and respective pride. Obviously this is not how things actually unfolded. Instead, I have done not very much at all and I am ashamed of myself. Damnit! I was so looking forward to that productive glow of self-importance etc. At any rate, okay, school is school which i taken to mean shit, there are about four weeks left of school before exams, during which EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS DUE/HAPPENING. OH WELL WORLD.

Anyway! So what's been happening with me. Mainly a lot of guilt, and after that, a special timed release sort of stomach ache (Too Much Information)? I'm rather displeased by everything, but once it is over things will be fine and peachy, and there will be dancing in the streets once again! But lately I've realised that I'm not mature enough to be either in law school (but we all knew that already) and or in a relationship (I am but a child! What should I know about relating) and guys, this is totally NOT ON.

But happier things - I'm going to be in England fairly soon! Okay, no, like in May till June, so if you live in the Motherland obviously I want to see you, so hit me up!

It's rather strange, but of late when I'm with people I know and love well, I suddenly get flashes of "where did this person come from? Who is this? Huh?" and it feels a bit like I've not been around for the past decade or so or like I've only just noticed their presence. I wonder if it's just me, or if everyone gets reality-assessing moments (like, I love my boyfriend, but how did he get here and why don't I remember it or like What a silly little poo! Wait a second, when did my kid brother start amassing feelings, a life and an identity, (he was but a silly bundle of giggles a while ago!) and SINCE WHEN DID I HAVE A KID BROTHER, LIKE A REAL PERSON). Eh, maybe it's an existential conundrum, or maybe I'm too self-possessed I sometimes (and often, and for long periods of time) forget that other people exist properly and in their own right since everything seems to be in relation to me (light of the world, the point in it all, etc). God, I suck.

Much besides, holy hell I've a lot to do! And I should not be livejournalling, not now! Mainly a lot's been going on, with community service things and academic things and film society things, and speaking of I've got Valentine's Day to talk about (I hope everyone's was wonderful) which I shall do, soon, soon!

It’s horrendous and disgusting how I’ve put off putting my new years’ resolutions down in writing – not a good start, clearly. But January’s almost over, and this is appalling! Oh, but to make up for this failure, I have pictures of me when smaller! During the last bout of particularly jubilant holidays my parents unearthed stacks of baby pictures, so here are a handful (a small handful, like that of a small person) of pictures which fits thematically for am I not starting anew?

( FOR I AM RESOLVED! AND DETERMINED! AND FULL OF SPIRIT! )

Wargh. So every year I do this meme, (insert year here) in review, so here it is this year. I was actually a little worried that I wouldn't get around to doing it, the way nowadays how it happens is there's too much to be done or there's too much to worry and whine about that I spend so much time doing that and so I don't get much else done, and Christ that was a pretty uninteresting note to make, but that would reflect everything that's going on now really.

( 2007 in Review. )

So mainly this year has been awesome and then terrible, and the new year looks set to follow in the latter fashion. I've been pretty pathetic at managing and making myself happy, which is very poor on my part; I'm barely the person I used to be and I think it shows. I feel really old and like my problems have moved up a notch - they now seem closer to adult problems, whatever the hell that means, or perhaps that's just because I'm sadder and too tired to find the good in the grand scheme of things, and I swear I'm not going to be this way any more.

I want to talk about the 3rd Singapore Short Cuts at the National Museum, which I went to with aerocranes, Vincent and Shimona, because today's session was only mind-blowingly amazing and now I am even less motivated to study for my A Levels, aha. Yes, oh yes, I have succeeded in motivating myself even less - never has failure looked so appealing.

I don't suppose there's any point in going into great detail about what was screened (the idea is to screen Singaporean short films to make like there is hope, and surprise surprise, there is!), mostly because you're likely never going to see any of the films and precious little information is available online (or perhaps I just mostly suck at digital stalking, I think that's it) but seriously though it was amazing, on its own and especially in comparison to last week's. What became quickly apparent was how amazing Ngee Ann Polytechnic's School for Film and Media Studies is, the by-product of the aforementioned being an entertaining tax-driver story, with only the greatest Singaporeanisms there are entitled Aik Khoon and this scary as hell horror movie about a Pontianak which was absolutely amazing and horrifying oh I am so impressed. And there was this other film which was Untitled which had gay sex and was amazing for one done entirely in thirty-six hours for a challenge, much like the insanity of last year's Fly-By-Night fiasco only incomparably harder and better done. I swear the filmmaker of that is my god, because that's crazyamazing, and also because shit he was really cute and during the Q&A he was all bored and finger-drumming! And while we speak of boys: damn, man, such standard! The director of the taxi-driver story also acts and models and is uh, really cute. Putting all greater film-making aspirations and the repulsion to academics aside I should have gone to Ngee Ann if only for the boys, because damn, man, such standard!

I don't really want to talk about Eric Khoo since he's all established so I had anticipated the quality (apart from the preachyness, No Day Off was absorbing and important, outlining the plight of domestic workers in Singapore), but I really should look into him properly, the way I keep meaning to watch Royston Tan but considerably less significantly (than the latter, I mean). I want to talk about how I never thought there would be so many Singaporean films of such brilliance (especially after the absolute crap of last week's screening), and how Ngee Ann must be doing something really amazing and I never knew. Recent discoveries to the contrary has left me almost wanting to screw up my A Levels just so I can not go to university and do the non-eating film-maker thing instead, which is awfully convenient considering how ill-prepared I am for major examinations and how little I am inclined to change that. It's not that I actively don't want to go to university because I really wouldn't mind, but I don't really want to go either. This is sheer stupidity, obviously, because if I go to Singapore Management University I would go for free since my dad's faculty and they have perks, and who in the right mind would pass up a free university degree in whatever? The problem remains that a free university degree in whatever (in this case business for it's painfully dull but also the most viable) isn't what I want to do, not really, and even if I get straight As (ahaha) it doesn't get me any closer to where I actually want to be. Which is not actually motivational at all so this isn't a good place to be, but what can one do except look on the bright side (ACADEMIC SUCCESS = GOOD, IMPLICATIONS OF FAILURE = GREAT!) and let things happen as they will, with perhaps some sort of action on my part at some point?

In other news, while discussing my personal philosophy on love, sex and everything in between, it has been concluded that I am a boy, according to Shimona, and as you know, Shimona is always right. Oh well, what can you do.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	softplaces
Your haiku:	script but the world that could stop us now except that nagging thing about
Username:
Created by Grahame

Which about sums up my weekend, ooh cryptic much?

I didn't let myself expect anything about Mirrormask, because I might have had to kill myself if I trusted a hope. For that same reason (apart from it taking bloody ages to get here) I didn't anticipate it insanely but shit man, crazed anticipation wouldn't even begin to justify its greatness. Can I just say, if you please, that Neil Gaiman is my god and Dave McKean is too? I mean yes, so everyone knew Neil Gaiman could write in ways which leave you passed out on the floor for greatness, but I had no idea that Dave McKean could direct and I'm absolutely floored. I'm not even going to talk about the art because that I saw coming, but shit it was only eight sorts of awesome. It had only about the funniest, most bizarre scenes in the history of cinema with such amazing characters (Valentine, my love!) and creatures and oh we've all come a long way since Labyrinth haven't we? But god you know. Everyone go watch Mirrormask, because it's only ridiculously funny and great and mind-blowing and if it's not showing anywhere near you tell me and I'll send it to you because arr, you know.

In other news I'm too self-absorbed by half and that's the real reason.