And now's about the time to do resolving things, in relation to the new year. But first off I think I'm going to talk about last year, because I guess everything I've resolved is in relation to the latter, and this is probably the best time to get it all out while it still remains sort of current, or at least recallable.

I can't talk about 2008 without talking about Fong, and he was my life and everything I wanted to believe I wanted (though I did know otherwise, in a small dark corner of me that grew increasingly bigger that I tried so long to ignore), and I don't think I've ever wanted something so badly in my life. Even (or especially so) at the worst parts of the relationship I loved him, and I can't say I've ever loved anyone like that and I wouldn't care to, though it might do well to note that the latent sheen of general doom gives it an unfair advantage (perhaps I threw myself into it so heartily because the odds were against it ever ending well, and I needed to believe that in spite of everything, or because of it, that love was enough).

I still believe that, though, even if he didn't do right by me when it came to it, but then again I don't think I was in the best position to pass judgment on that sort of thing. I was selfish and scared and immature, and I acted in character and was all of those, and though I truly loved him with whatever was within my means, they weren't much given those restrictions. I'm glad I realised that with a relationship that wouldn't in a million years have worked out anyway, as opposed to one where I might have actually lost everything which I would have never forgiven myself for. So, much like that, 2008 was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me - yes, I do feel at least three years older, yes, at so many parts it was terrible and I sincerely wanted to die, and yes, I learned all I need to know for now about love and how to be happy.

So what I want with the new year is kindness and honesty on my part. I made a dreadful show of loving last year, not just romantically but with pretty much everyone I hold dear, which I couldn't live down repeating (or wouldn't want to). I think that's really what I got wrong last year - in the end the love I professed was selfish and small, and I think that's the sort of thing you only need to figure out once. This year I'm going to make an effort in a less self-possessed direction, especially if it inconveniences me or puts me somewhere rather uncomfortable for a bit I'm going to do it. That's pretty much my main resolution, but obviously I have a string of tangential ones because we all know how much I love listing.

02. BI-WEEKLY EXERCISE
I know I resolved this last year but it fell through, but this year I'm trying to do this Sunday Family Afternoon O' Fun And Exercise, which I started last week and was limping till earlier today because of. Yes, I am ludicrously unfit, but I mean to change that! Also, I'm taking up tap-dancing, so that seems suitably vigorous for my purposes! (The other good thing about this resolution, besides the fun Irish twist, is that if I end up being pathetically unfit this resolution can be construed as requiring only exercise every other week, which is significantly easier! Ah-hah, a technicality! Who says I'm not learning anything from law school, besides how to be dead?)

03. HEALTHFUL CONSUMPTION
I must incline myself towards vegetables and fruit enthusiastically! Also, I want to start planning healthier-typed meals on a family unit level, for the benefit of all! If I can contribute to this in some way, like through Superior Salad-Making (a skill I have not yet acquired) that would be good too!

04. WEEKLY LITERARY ADVENTURES
Or, less exciting-sounding-ly, a book a week. Yes, I'm trying this again, and this time I must succeed, for truly truly I would like to be less frequently at a loss for words. I've been fairly out of it, this whole literate fandango, and it would be nice to be reading instead of doing most other things. On this note, write more, just so that two more years don't pass me by without any tangible record of it.

05. EJECT SELF OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING AND THRUST SELF INTO DAILY EXCITEMENT
Which is to say I must stop re-setting the alarm clock upon waking, and haul myself out of bed even if it breaks my heart. And on a related note, get more done on a daily basis because I am so hideously lazy and this MUST STOP. I've got to be more prompt and put more effort into things, hoh god I really have to get the room redecoration down if not I will have failed in life. (Also, perhaps a daily list of things to do, possibly scrawled on to various body parts, is the answer.)

06. FAMILIAL UNIT AND FRIENDS
I really have to put in more effort here, first off to be kinder and to be more honest, and second to keep up with them properly. The honesty thing does get to me sometimes - sometimes I feel very out-of-place and like I don't trust myself at all to speak to anyone. Much besides I think I've been letting certain relationships of mine languish just because I'm timid and lame and can't be bothered, and that's a bad state of affairs.