18 FEB 2008: Pretty much everything behind the cut is outdated and none of the links work anymore. I still love a lot of these songs a lot, and I'm keeping all this text here for posterity's sake, and for the more practical sake of it you want to request any of these songs, at least you know I have them. But links not behind the cut work!

( This is said useless outdated cut. )

12 FEB 2008 EDIT: Guys, don't bother downloading anything - all the links don't work, but I guess you would have figured that out over the past year or so. At some point I shall resurrect it; I don't know if I should scrap this and start all over again since this is getting really really messy. But anyway, here's a bit of music again, largely requested at some point.

CALEXICO
is gorgeous, and wonderful, a bit trip hop but more accessible, I think. And catchier!
Black Heart
Not Even Steven Nicks
Quattro

IRON AND WINE
Such Great Heights
And this one I love, all the time, forever. Probably the best cover in the world - all sweet and relaxed and I love you too.
Sea and the Rhythm
In My Lady's House
Jezebel

THE MOLDY PEACHES
Nothing Came Out
This is really sad and sweet, and oh I feel that way too why does nobody love me type thing.
Anything Else But You
God this is the sweetest most discordant song in the world, hideous and romantic, and how I love

18 FEB EDIT:
More music!

Unintended by Muse, which is sweet and dramatic, and there's this lovely animation about a bunny love story that I'm trying to locate.

One Night Stand by the Pipettes
I'm not sure how popular they are as indie fare, but anyway this is so catchy and fun and the lyrics go "I don't love you I don't want you if you think that this is cruel well you should see what my friends do" which is charming really.

Save Me by Aimee Mann
Here I must tell you more, so much more! Firstly that you should see Paul Thomas Anderson's Magnolia, because it's great in itself, and also because Aimee Mann soundtracks everything. I've loved her for years, and she's witty and has a lovely voice, and here is the sort of heartbreaking I'm ridiculous and I'm a wreck, I hope you're the one to make it all better themed thing, awn.

Walking to You by Everything But The Girl
I seem to be recommending you things I've loved forever. Hmmm. Anyway, this is melancholy but not indulgent, and catchy, and I like the brief harmonies when they kick in.


GEORGE HARRISON
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
I don't think people ever talk about George Harrison enough as a writer, but people should! He's lovely and funny, and here it sounds like a ukulele (I wouldn't know really, I'm not well-versed in that sort of thing) and it's like beach holiday music! But it's awfully sweet.

Got My Mind Set On You
OH GOD YOU ARE SO CATCHY. AND MUSICALLY AND LYRICALLY IT IS THE MOST WELL-FITTED SONG EVER!

JUMP
Angeldust (Please Come Down)
This one's catchy and sweet. Jump strikes me as a bit more mainstream (whatever that means) but I sing along, and loudly! It's romantic too!

Habit Now this one is surprising, especially given what Jump normally sounds like (as above), because this is so sexy. It's spoken word for a fair bit, with a lovely chorus when it does come in.

25 JAN 2009 EDIT:
So Of Montreal is coming (and aerocranes and I rejoice) in March so in celebration I give you:
OF MONTREAL
Wraith Pinned To The Mist (And Other Games) - I think this is what every romantic adventure should feel like. Needless to say, I love this song terribly a lot!
When A Man Is In Love With A Man - My favourite gay song, apart from Stephen's Lynch's legendarily hilarious If I Were Gay.
The Problem With April
Know Your Onion (The Shins Cover)
The Party's Crashing Us - I heard this live and acoustic and I was floored, I died on the inside in the best of ways. A video of said version can be seen here, but this, this sort of romance is the only sort worth having surely. How much do I love this song? Too, too much, so much so that it can't be healthy.
Don't Ask Me To Explain
Will You Come And Fetch Me
Everything Disappears When You Come Around - If I were likely to get married (and even if I wasn't, as is the case) I'd start the first dance with this one, or the walk down the aisle. Because this song is quaint and ridiculous and happy, and everything you want in a wedding really!
Disconnect The Dots
Art Snob Solutions

And, on the side, more music!

CAT POWER
Cross Bones Style
Wonderwall
which is about one of my favourite covers ever, apart from

Toxic by the Chapin Sisters
which I love like no other. This one is a really surprising cover, I think, it's all stripped down with this sleepy sexiness about it.

Soft Black Stars by Anthony and the Johnsons
This one's heartbreaking - it's something about the lead singer's voice or perhaps the lyrics, but anyway, grck.

Losing You by AM
I've been on quite an acoustic kick lately (perhaps I'm perpetually on an acoustic kick), but at any rate this one's sad and beautiful, and strangely vindicating.

Tulsa by Rufus Wainwright
This is apparently a huge gay fantasy about Brandon Flowers of the Killers! Apparently they met and were supposed to do things together? Mm-mm!

30 JAN:
More music! May I present to you
EMMY THE GREAT (also because that's what she is!)
She sounds a fair bit like the Moldy Peaches, only less lo-fi and possibly more hilarious, and incisive? I don't know, but she's wonderful!
Canopies and Grapes
This felt to me like my one all-consuming relationship that laid waste to everything in sight, the sentiment at least, but that could be just me. In any case it's a lovely song, and everything I would have liked to articulate on that matter.
My Party Is Better Than Yours
Gabriel
Where Is My Mind? (The Pixies Cover)
You know I keep saying that everything's the best cover ever, and this could well be it too! It's just so...communal, and cute(sy)! Which is the furthest thing from the original, which I loved too but differently.

I think for me livejournalling is a bit like upping personal vegetable intake or exercise or trying to change the world - great and noble plans that never happen because I am but a weak, weak person, distracted by shiny things and general laziness, and occasionally things of excitement and import, but mostly laziness. I had wanted to post about several things before I ran off to Taiwan, mainly related to my birthday and internships and bizarre relationship developments that I could neither fathom nor acknowledge, but instead here I am, a couple of months on distinctly not posting pictures or updating adequately, certifiably older, back from Taiwan and almost done with internships, and everything I meant to register various sentiments for have waged past me rather huffily.

So I find myself here, on my last week of internship (seven weeks are seven weeks too many), counting down to the end as assiduously as I trawl facebook. I also find myself having gone beyond accidentally acquiring a bit of a boyfriend - I seem to be almost a month into a (dare I say it?) relationship, oho!, which is rather disconcerting really but often hilarious, though that's nothing in comparison to the long-distance hilarity that may sneak up on me when I'm distracted by muffins (a situation that one often finds oneself in and impossible to get out of, in reference to baked wonderment).

I suppose I ought to say something about the boy, given the rich comic history that predates my late adolescence, and/or that the boy was sort of technically my first half of a boyfriend, or perhaps that now we're seeing a bit of a renaissance as it were, or that really this is what this entry's really about, being a month into something that was a bit of an open joke really (that I was a little more serious about in my occasional private moments when I was a little less caked in denial and appalled at the mere suggestion of any semblance of association). But honestly speaking I don't know what's going on there either, but I do know that the boy is crazy over me and I could make him happy and I find myself wanting to, and I do believe that counts for something (despite what my friends may tell you, no, my affections were not bought solely with a bass guitar!), and much besides I'm honestly too busy having an absolute riot to give this further thought. So here let me put off things a bit longer, and make plans to run off to Cambodia for a spell, and before you know it I could be back with pictures (what, it could happen!).

Every year I seem to expect something upon getting older, like some sort of birthday epiphany is in order. Happy Birthday have some clarity, or something like. And even though that never happens I still expect it every year, especially the apparently momentous years by everyone else's standards, and I feel a bit sore when the day passes and nothing has been arrived at. In any case, this year, or today rather, I'm twenty-one, which means to all intents and purposes I am an adult, and holy hell, I'm accountable for what I do and crap that's horrible!

Thus far I guess I've been enjoying myself, (ish?) in a really bizarre infuriating sort of way that is suitably exciting nonetheless, but mostly one just wants to go "Augh! Augh!" and not think about it at all really, if only things were so easily ignored and avoided. I daresay I'm older now, in this strange ridiculousness and oh, such inner conflict of the where do we go from here variant, oh god growing older is hard, and stupendous and brilliant but mostly ridiculous and hard I think.

I think years and years on we're all still essentially the same people, with the same sorts of people-related issues only with different names or slightly varying situations, and it seems to be, at least for me, that holy hell I honestly can't trust myself with anything, I don't think you can hold me accountable for anything nevermind age of majority or whatever, or I suppose you could but then you'd be walking into that.

Well it's suitably exciting, in a horrible oh god what now sort of way, but I suppose at twenty-one if your life can't be summed up in oh god what now that's probably maturity beyond your age and that's just inappropriate, and besides not even half as much fun.

Today the weather was beautifully dreary, which was rather refreshing given how of late, especially, Singapore has subjected us all to intolerable heat even for people largely accustomed to living inches away from the Equator. It was so lovely in its cool post-rainyness that I decided to walk home a couple of MRT stations(ish, at least), which started off pleasant enough and then degenerated into the humid cesspool of annoyance and discomfort that we're normally treated to. Coupled with how the distance was actually significantly greater than what I had previously anticipated, my enchantment with the loveliness of today (and its accompanying Oh it's great to be alive-type sentiment) evaporated quickly, and right now I'm back to feeling tired and disgruntled hoo yay.

So summer's begun, and honestly I'm not all that enthused. I mean yeah, hell it's better than school term, but I don't know who I'm kidding with my remaining university years to look forward to. That aside I've got internships to get through, some travel plans and about a million things to get done, but honestly I'm just not feeling it. Oh god I'm going to be old (in a week or so I'll be majoritarily-aged) and I'm going to have to be responsible, holy hell. Right about now I'm just trying my best to be occasionally productive, I'm in a spot of age and situation-related existentialism, just a bit (and a bit more than that on other days), but actually who am I kidding, it's only because I've not gotten L4D on my iMac yet, which I think is a very valid cause of existential angst - what's the point in life if you're not killing zombies at every waking moment, really? (That isn't true of course, there are other things to do, but they should be moderated with a regular injection of undead-deadening, which I have not been getting, oh no.)

And with that I shall trundle off to try to do something about my room or to cut one of yesteryear's silly projects, both of which I've been putting off for ever.

I'm up early in the morning avoiding corporate law as it were - Mavis and Vincent are over, we had an impromptu sort of study party sleepover, which is exactly as wild as as it sounds. Seriously though for something centred around something as dull as law, it was quite the night, laughs were had by all, and there are some things that we'll deny fiercely and pretend never transpired (in horrible, horrible mental places we'll never admit that we've been). The downside is I got next to nothing done, laughing too hard imagining bad bad things you know the usual, plus they're occupying all the sleeping space in my room so alas, I must remain awake and at some point maybe venture a mite of productivity?

You know actually I'm having a ball, in spite of exams and everything, but that could well be because I care not for thee, academic bullshit, having not applied myself at all and being content to just get by enough to graduate. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about it, like I'm wasting an education or something like, but that thought lasts about as long as my attention span when confronted with let's say, mm, winding up? Honestly I'm just waiting for summer, because then I'll be half-done with this, oh my god, two years more, which may not be that bad if I apply myself in a similar fashion, which would be to say, not at all. But I do wish I was actually learning things, haha, the way I was fairly excited about particular subjects in pre-law days, and honestly I feel like I've learnt nothing of note over the past two years.

For the past couple of weeks I've been on the brink of age of majority angst with a little bit of discontent over the logic of love worked in for good measure, but you know how that comes and goes. I've reached the stage where I've resolved enough for the moment, or am really more interested in what to eat next or when I can shoot zombies, sometime soon please on both counts that would really be awesome. On most days I wake up feeling like my life is a peaceful demonstration (as compared to a riot, for example), in that there's some latent purpose hanging lazily in the air, with a moderate contentment that keeps everything several shades short of revolutionary or exhilarating but is at least a sufficiently interesting escapade or a mildly fun day out.

Right. You know how I resolved to write more, and to be honest and what-not? I've been rather terrible at all of that thus far, and I was hoping to rectify that a bit.

Well lately I've been rather despondent about everything, and not talking about why because that's what I do. Even with my nearest and dearest I've not said a word, not really, god forbid someone catches on and I've not yet formulated an appropriate reaction or response for if they do. I mean it's not like a big deal or anything, I'm just on the lugubrious, melancholy side, and I'm just trying to figure things out a bit, but I can't help but feel like I'm hiding things from people anyway by saying nothing, and I think nothing good can come of that so here I am.

I don't much want to be existential, but I suppose that's the horrible indulgent place we all end up when we're feeling less than great. This may have something to do with any or all of the following:
1) the tragicomedy that is law school (and related workload that's being ignored)
2) the horrifying jolt of reality, brought on by internship talk and thought and general planning
3) what comes after item 1 and 2 (read: working life! and the future!), which is even scarier
4) I don't know what to make of love anymore (yes, I know, how maudlin, cry me a river etc)

and pretty much culminates in:
5)Shit I don't feel like doing anything at all but sleeping in.

I can't seem to bring myself to be productive at all, even the non-academic for-a-laugh type gigs, like stupid songs and stuff on lists that I've wanted to do forever - I have all these plans that I really want to carry out but now it seems like I haven't the heart for it, I haven't the heart for anything for that matter. I feel rather dispassionate about everything, which is worrying because I'm rarely like this - I'm generally perpetually excited by small silly things, and sometimes larger silly things, and at this point in time I want neither ridiculousness nor entertainment, because I'm just that morose.

Mainly what it is is that, yes I'm going to say it, I don't know about love anymore. This is a new low, obviously, and I've outdone myself in whiny indulgence. I just don't understand it at all, and, I say, mournfully and emphatically, I don't believe in love anymore. Which is probably not really true and is just me being dramatic, as I am wont to do, but after yesteryear's romantic misadventure and subsequent trainwreck, I wonder about the nature of love, and how far it's actually worth anything. Last year I loved a boy and would have given the world for him, and this year I feel like he never happened to me, nothing's change at all, that apart from this rather uncharacteristic pensiveness he barely left a mark. It's like when in conversation you recall something and bring it up, but can't for the life of you remember how exactly you came upon it and whether you came upon it at all, for which you include the disclaimer "but don't take my word for it, I might have dreamed that one". I wonder about how it came to this, how someone can go from meaning everything to you and then nothing within weeks, honestly whatever that is it can't have been love, or if it was goddamn, it's been grossly misrepresented. Alternatively I could have just somehow managed to block everything out, but honestly I hope not because that just isn't healthy.

In any case I need to fuck off and mull over things, which was really what I was trying to say before I got sidetracked by all that emotional drivel. Which I'm actually feeling pretty good about, because I like figuring out where I stand and gleaning a system, a principle or, with any luck, and Important Truth (ho ho) from it. I've always believed vehemently that love is enough, and now that I don't any more everything's askew. When I was five I saw an episode of the Nanny which introduced to me the concept of exes, and when I asked my parents what an ex was I was thoroughly appalled and distressed by their answer - I just couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could have an ex, it wasn't possible because love is forever. And I suppose somehow that had stuck (even today I'm averse to that term, and if you notice I never use it as far as possible, which is probably also due to a personal obsession with names and definitions), and I managed a couple of decades of being more certain of it than anything else, but now it feels like I've lost my religion, as silly and overwrought as that sounds.

When I started writing this I meant to give a bit of an update of work-related things like internships, plans and work that I'm avoiding, though there's really nothing new there, but I think my point was going to be that I'm shelving everything till I get this sorted out to a functional level at the very least, or until I get bored of all this thinking, which ever happens first (I'm inclined to think it'll be the latter). I suppose this lengthy, unrewarding (for the casual observer and loyal reader alike) entry is simply a manifestation of the urge to purge. Speaking of purging, and manifestations and yours truly:

I remember you the way I remember yesterday’s lunch in all its foggy utility: “I guess I had some sandwich, meat-based, and it kept me alive?”

Yes, I'm sorry guys, I am that pretentious. I trust I'll grow out of it, though, sometime soon one hopes, but in any case I shan't subject you to that again. Expect a triumphant, exuberant return at some point! It may not be timely, but when it does turn up it will be accompanied by nominally exciting adventures and the gazillion pictures I keep promising to put up.

Today I found myself at a salon with Mavis (which is far less remarkable than it sounds because we had made an appointment and everything, but hush let me continue), and suddenly everything has changed.

Okay no, not really, but ( BEHOLD! )

Anyway, thoughts? Should I do things with my hair, like tie it up in ribbons and perhaps wear an elaborate, ridiculous-looking and impractically slutty space ninja-type costume? Should I invest in hats, do a Demi Moore, or just pray generally that it fades just right so I can be taken seriously (hoho!)?

Ugh, speaking of serious things, I've got to seriously devote some more time into ignoring corporate law, oh ugh. Which I shall do (more or less) promptly (more less than more).

Edit: Well, my hair seems to have a life of its own - now it has decided on a markedly different colour and I can do naught but watch it go forth and fulfill its destiny. For the moment I seem to be almost certifiably a redhead (or as certified as a Chinese girl can get anyway).

( Please to ignore unglamorous piratey sleepwear and face. )

My, what an adventure! Will I wake up tomorrow a different person, with a different hair colour? Who can tell?

Edit: The next day it seems to be just as red, if not slightly redder (or perhaps I'm just in brighter lighting)? Okay yes, I know this is far from endlessly exciting, and it is a bit indulgent but I'm sorry!

Right, you know how I resolved to journal more but didn't? Um, here I am trying to rectify that. Points for effort, maybe?

One of these days I really mean to put up the hundred million pictures I have, and back up freaking everything that I have. Ooh, I've a question, if anyone can help me out with this I would be much obliged! See, I'm trying to back-up everything on my mac but for some reason my external hard-drive is read-only and I can't seem to do anything about it. Help please? I'm discouraged to the point that I'm on the verge of tears (or not, but it did give rise to a hissy fit thrown at my mother, which was neither pretty nor nice of me). I don't much know how to change the permission on my hard-drive :(.

But anyway, kay, real update time. Mid-term break starts tomorrow (hurrah!), but I've also got a whole lot of shit to get done right after (poo!) for perhaps two weeks following (also poo). So right now's the lull before the shit hits the fan, whereupon I'll be even less inclined to journal in any way. I think I really need to organise my life, and my room, and print out a number of those million pictures. I also need to start thinking of internships soon (waugh!), oh dear all this law shit really isn't pretty.

In spite of all that, I think I'm actually enjoying myself in school this term, even if my usage of the term is a bit of a stretch, the way a cup of tea with a grandparent could possibly be termed a party. So yes, I'm having a conservative amount of fun, with both my law school friends (it's a bit of a joke but honestly Mavis and Vincent are all I need, they're such a riot [ as riotous as one can get learning about shares and floating charges anyway]) and I'm doing a really conservative amount of work (I am physically unable to pay attention or take any notes in class, an anathema unheard of in law school) which I'll try to rectify a bit starting tomorrow. I swear! Meanwhile I'm going to run off to watch some BBC4 TV, and wait hopelessly for the next installment of How I Met Your Mother comes out, oh my heart! Incidentally I've fallen in love with Jason Segel, oh my god he is the man for me.

So you know, what with the Chinese New Year festivities there was a liberal amount of visiting and cookie-consumption, but this year I tried something different - instead of avoiding relative-shaped interaction, I (dare I say it?) socialised. And rather surprisingly, I enjoyed myself thoroughly, which is a first I reckon, considering the new year is normally a mercenary adventure in juggling good social grace with quickening the exchange of monies. I don't know, this year I brought along Francis, my one and only (my DSLR which I've neglected far too long, nothing exciting and scandalous if that's what you were thinking), and that does seem to make social situations a lot more bearable, with small talk centering rather easily on cameras and lenses and the option of bailing at any moment under the pretext of taking pictures (a comforting prospect, always).

What was substantially less comfortable was the attempt to converse in Mandarin (ha!). See I met up with a bevy of Chinese-speaking relatives, but of these the most interesting would be the Grand Uncle I was never aware of who happens to be some sort of Grand Master Martial Artist or something equivalent. From the limited conversation I was capable of I gathered that he was endlessly interesting, but given that he knows about as much English as I know Chinese I can't recount the content reliably but I do know I enjoyed that interpretive fandango immensely, though I would have enjoyed it more if I felt less like a cripple. But this time next year I'm going to be a whole lot less useless and a whole lot more Chinese-ly conversational, I do think. I suppose more Jay Chou and Chinese cinema is in order, which is a rather appropriate resolution-type thing for this point in time.

On a side note, when did David Duchovny get so irresistible? My god, I think that's the man for me. I've been avoiding work (that I'm supposed to be staying up to accomplish) for an entire season of Californication, and my god, guh! I don't know, I think I love him.

Oh life, how you excite and astound, and inflict upon me Company Law at five in the morning though it is entirely my fault! I would like to register a couple of things though - an unparalleled love for the Magnetic Fields, and and, the emergence of possibility (and its accompanied flailing about)!

That is all!

You know, first week of school notwithstanding (or perhaps precisely because of the first week of school), I'm fairly taken with the new year. None of my classes are physically painful to be in (nothing really compares to the sheer horror that was Property Law, twice a week no less, and like surviving the war that sure as hell makes you stronger), the majority of my classes are noon-time affairs so I get an adequate amount of sleep, and, most importantly, with Mavis and Vincent every hour of every day is a party, or at least as much of a party as say, Constitutional and Administrative Law can be.

It's really bizarre after almost two years of absolutely hating school to suddenly find myself not minding it. No actually that's a lie, it's not bizarre at all, it's very straightforward - for the better part of the last two years I've been (on the average) unhappy, and now that's all behind me I realise goddamn you know, I'm actually an upbeat person and I do actually really love where I am in life (not the doing law bit, but I guess it could be worse I could be doing, god forbid, economics) and especially the people in it, and honestly speaking I'm really pleased by how it's all turned out.

K then, enough new-year-related twirling. What I meant to livejournal about was this art exhibition that I did that just opened yesterday, and the tragicomedy that was the gala opening. See, my university has a well-intentioned attempt at an arts festival annually, so this year the film society (i.e. my lovely secretary Athena, and I), with the help of the artistically established Chua Chye Teck (thank god, seriously, if not we would have been flailing about dying horribly all the time with our inexperience and general lack of ability and direction) did this film noir piece. Essentially we made a space up to look like a film noir bar with a stage and a bar and a diva dressing table, and had wigs, hats and trenchcoats for people to come in and dress up, which may not quite be high art, but at least it's a sizeable amount of fun. Actually I don't think it's an art piece at all, it's just an amorphous fun thing as opposed to an exploration in the transience of identity, but hey what do I know, all I do is read comics and make silly noises at my kid brother, I'm so low brow.

Anyway, so at the gala opening we were supposed to give the VIPs (the university president, the Dean of Students, some admin people and I don't know some artsy networked sorts?) some sort of artist tour which involved some sort of presentation, which was a wholly horrifying prospect (and a subsequently wholly horrifying presentation) that I never really recovered from. After said presentation People of Apparent Import congregated in small groups around the exhibition being all networky, laughing unnaturally exchanging namecards. Athena and I pretty much just stood there and tried to blend in with the coat hangers, which wasn't at all difficult to do because everyone was pretty much absorbed in their social expansions to bother talking to the artists about their work (which I didn't mind at all), before everyone adjourned somewhere else to continue their mingling - over some performances, but mostly food and alcohol in plastic cups with delusions of grandeur (you know the sort I'm talking about - airline plastic with necks and large bases hoping to pull off looking like glasses). The most ridiculous thing about the whole affair was the aspirations towards classiness (with what I imagine is the important business or art crowd socialising) in front of art that is largely, well-intentioned at most, a laudable effort (considering inexperience, time and resource constraints) etc, which is amusing and appropriate all things considered.

Which isn't to say that I didn't enjoy doing the exhibition (though it was hectic and crazy, somewhat), or that the gala was a complete waste of time (it wasn't - I spent most of it avoiding the main event and instead trying on costumes and taking pictures with Athena), but I'll put up pictures soon and you'll get the idea. Anyway, if you're in Singapore and you happen to be at SMU between the hours of 11am to 8pm from now till the 24th of January (at least I think that's when it's on till), you might want to pop by the school of Economics gallery and check my exhibition out (but then again you might not, but that's cool too, I won't take offense XP).

And now's about the time to do resolving things, in relation to the new year. But first off I think I'm going to talk about last year, because I guess everything I've resolved is in relation to the latter, and this is probably the best time to get it all out while it still remains sort of current, or at least recallable.

I can't talk about 2008 without talking about Fong, and he was my life and everything I wanted to believe I wanted (though I did know otherwise, in a small dark corner of me that grew increasingly bigger that I tried so long to ignore), and I don't think I've ever wanted something so badly in my life. Even (or especially so) at the worst parts of the relationship I loved him, and I can't say I've ever loved anyone like that and I wouldn't care to, though it might do well to note that the latent sheen of general doom gives it an unfair advantage (perhaps I threw myself into it so heartily because the odds were against it ever ending well, and I needed to believe that in spite of everything, or because of it, that love was enough).

I still believe that, though, even if he didn't do right by me when it came to it, but then again I don't think I was in the best position to pass judgment on that sort of thing. I was selfish and scared and immature, and I acted in character and was all of those, and though I truly loved him with whatever was within my means, they weren't much given those restrictions. I'm glad I realised that with a relationship that wouldn't in a million years have worked out anyway, as opposed to one where I might have actually lost everything which I would have never forgiven myself for. So, much like that, 2008 was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me - yes, I do feel at least three years older, yes, at so many parts it was terrible and I sincerely wanted to die, and yes, I learned all I need to know for now about love and how to be happy.

So what I want with the new year is kindness and honesty on my part. I made a dreadful show of loving last year, not just romantically but with pretty much everyone I hold dear, which I couldn't live down repeating (or wouldn't want to). I think that's really what I got wrong last year - in the end the love I professed was selfish and small, and I think that's the sort of thing you only need to figure out once. This year I'm going to make an effort in a less self-possessed direction, especially if it inconveniences me or puts me somewhere rather uncomfortable for a bit I'm going to do it. That's pretty much my main resolution, but obviously I have a string of tangential ones because we all know how much I love listing.

02. BI-WEEKLY EXERCISE
I know I resolved this last year but it fell through, but this year I'm trying to do this Sunday Family Afternoon O' Fun And Exercise, which I started last week and was limping till earlier today because of. Yes, I am ludicrously unfit, but I mean to change that! Also, I'm taking up tap-dancing, so that seems suitably vigorous for my purposes! (The other good thing about this resolution, besides the fun Irish twist, is that if I end up being pathetically unfit this resolution can be construed as requiring only exercise every other week, which is significantly easier! Ah-hah, a technicality! Who says I'm not learning anything from law school, besides how to be dead?)

03. HEALTHFUL CONSUMPTION
I must incline myself towards vegetables and fruit enthusiastically! Also, I want to start planning healthier-typed meals on a family unit level, for the benefit of all! If I can contribute to this in some way, like through Superior Salad-Making (a skill I have not yet acquired) that would be good too!

04. WEEKLY LITERARY ADVENTURES
Or, less exciting-sounding-ly, a book a week. Yes, I'm trying this again, and this time I must succeed, for truly truly I would like to be less frequently at a loss for words. I've been fairly out of it, this whole literate fandango, and it would be nice to be reading instead of doing most other things. On this note, write more, just so that two more years don't pass me by without any tangible record of it.

05. EJECT SELF OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING AND THRUST SELF INTO DAILY EXCITEMENT
Which is to say I must stop re-setting the alarm clock upon waking, and haul myself out of bed even if it breaks my heart. And on a related note, get more done on a daily basis because I am so hideously lazy and this MUST STOP. I've got to be more prompt and put more effort into things, hoh god I really have to get the room redecoration down if not I will have failed in life. (Also, perhaps a daily list of things to do, possibly scrawled on to various body parts, is the answer.)

06. FAMILIAL UNIT AND FRIENDS
I really have to put in more effort here, first off to be kinder and to be more honest, and second to keep up with them properly. The honesty thing does get to me sometimes - sometimes I feel very out-of-place and like I don't trust myself at all to speak to anyone. Much besides I think I've been letting certain relationships of mine languish just because I'm timid and lame and can't be bothered, and that's a bad state of affairs.

And this year I find myself exactly where I want to be (and in some ways, exactly where I've always wanted to be) and it feels grand. Honestly it's not been a fun year, in fact it's been pretty excruciating in so many parts - there's been so much near-death weeping (by which I mean when you cry so much it hurts and you don't see how it's physically possible to get through the next moment, and the ones following that that it feels like you're, well, going to die), I was an embarrassing self-absorbed mess for too significant a length of time, and most of all this year I've been incredibly immature and selfish, so god I'm glad the year's almost done. But by the same token it's also been a great year, you know, because after all that ridiculous horrible shit I get it now, I know what it is that I'm looking for in this lifely fandango, and whatever that is has always been right in front of me only I was too self-absorbed to notice. And honestly for the first time in ages I'm genuinely happy, without having it adulterated by general issues and insecurities.

( 2008 In Review )

I think I could really get used to this regular updating half-assed photo post gig. Anyway, today I give you my kid brother, when he was so, so much smaller, and my god, he was so adorable god I miss his littleness!



( Adorableness herein. )

Right, let us coo for a little, and perhaps look back with a tinge of melancholy, and then look at what my substantially larger favourite poo ( looks like now: )

In other news, I finished Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves, and obviously everyone was right, it's change-your-life type brilliant, but it's also so long and imposing (being a book of essays, somewhat) that by the time you're done with it, so much time has elapsed that most certainly your life has changed. Okay, that's not entirely true, but it has taken me like three years to pick it up and finish it (after trying once and getting maybe 20 pages in), mostly because I'm eight sorts of lame and lazy, but right now I'm feeling inordinately proud of myself, because that was the first thing on my To Do Before 21 List (in preparation for the natal mid-life crisis that strikes me regularly) and sillily enough, now I feel all accomplished. Right, now all I need to do is pack and re-decorate my room.

Okay clearly it's been a while. My exams have been over for quite a while (hurrah!) and I've been doing not all that much, as one should do while one still can, and having a damn good time doing all that nothing at that. Pretty soon I need to start worrying about presents, but why do today what I can put off till tomorrow? I've been reading, or meaning to read, and packing, or meaning to pack, and putting up a rather Dali-lian nightmare of a Christmas tree (which my kid brother orchestrated, as the artistic director, or what we refer to as the Tree Man, though to be fair it does have a certain flair about it) and doing miscellaneous fuzzy family moment-type things.

I didn't mean to livejournal and have it degenerate into a soppy Hallmark Christmas special (in fact all I wanted to do was put up a couple of pictures of the babies I babysit who are getting bigger way too fast), but I don't think I say it enough how much I love my family. And honestly I'd be nowhere without them (rather literally there, it seems), and really there's nothing in the world that's more important than they are and I think over the past couple of years I've really lost sight of that, and I'm honestly really glad that I'm in this place now because there really isn't anywhere I'd rather be or anyone else I'd rather be with.

Kay, enough sop, now ( have some babies. )

I'm planning on putting up more pictures, not as unified posts but generally, because holy hell I have such a backlog, and all those picture posts I meant to do never happen, so let's accept it and move on, and try this once in a bit, post what you like she-bang. So look sharp, and expect at least some activity once in a while!

You know what I find at least mildly surprising? At this point in time (post-immense-relationship, post-post-immense-relationship aftermath and general bad time-y-ness) I'm rather thrilled with how everything turned out really. Which isn't to say that everyday is full of rainbows and dancing, and it might not always feel particularly thrilling but even then I know it's a solid good at the very least; I've got to figure out and deal with a few things before I'm really and truly good with the world, but right now I'm good with this really, and I've not been this clear about anything in ages.

And today I'm done with it completely. I grieved the end of everything relationship-shaped that I had suitably and spiritedly, the way one is appropriately anguished and weepy at funerals, once more with feeling. And now I am done with it. It was a great and terrible time, I learnt so much from it and wouldn't have missed it for the world. Now, what's next?

Alright yes, I know full well that what's next is a horrific examination period that I'm unprepared for (especially having been rather distracted not so much by the fairly emotional situation but more on account of the utter dullness and despair of what I was supposed to be studying), eh but in the best of times I'm hardly prepared anyway and I'm barely concerned, and much besides I'm too excited about what comes next to concern myself with comparatively trivial academic matters (like, for one, exams next week hoho!).

Two things brought this on:

1) I gave up on property law - because really it was just making me angry and sad, and then angry again at how I wasn't going to finish doing notes due to the intense pain. Instead I traded it for some company law lovin', which while far far behind many things I can think about in terms of what's exciting to study, is far far more enjoyable than property law. God forbid, I almost enjoyed myself doing my company notes (I'm only half-done though, so I can look forward to exciting time again tonight oh yay).

2) Last night I was listening to "Oh It Is Love" by Hellogoodbye, and all I felt was incredibly excited about the next boy in question, whoever that may be whenever he comes around, and the remarkable breathless adventure that will be. How do I know it's going to be a remarkable breathless adventure? Because that's really the only way I do things, especially when it comes to love.

Today I am in love with the world again, and everyone and everything in it. I want to take long walks and take pictures of everyone I meet, I want to learn to tap dance, I want to plan great adventures and do everything I've always listed but never got around to accomplishing. I've got grand plans and good intentions, and all is full of love, whatever the universe is going to throw at me, I say, hell yeah, bring it.

Honestly though, I couldn't think of a better time for all this thought and uncertainty, and god forbid consideration. I'm pretty much the most impulsive, stubborn person in the world, so I think it's about damn time I thought things through a bit more. All I have is endless ungodly hours with naught but academic woe and myself for company, and while it's all a little demoralising (especially the deafening academic woe and doom) it affords a great deal of non-academic thought, which seems a bit of a treat in comparison with the eternal infernal accounting, or property law, for example.

So I think by the end of the month I'll be in a generally favourable position, one, having bade goodbye FOREVER to Property Law, and two, having arrived at important realisations of the innermost nature, or something similarly personal and incisive. And three, HOLIDAYS YES PLEASE!

Oh crap, I guess I should attend to Property Law now. Waugh.

I saw Avenue Q today, and it was immense. Which surprised me in the best of ways - I wasn't expecting much because I'm ashamed to say I was slightly put off by its phenomenal mainstream appeal (oh god, I'm one of those people), and because there's only so far I figured musical perversion can get you, but what was really impressive about Avenue Q was how everything it said was true (and generally funny, which always helps make things go down better). While yes, I was scandalised by the vision of puppets having sex, my god, it was somewhat hilarious and insightful, and in a strange way I'm now fine with the world because musicals have been written pretty much summing up the plight of all womankind, all that is wrong with the world, and how to make everything better (I especially liked how contrived it was that it all added up).

There's a Fine, Fine Line
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Let's just say that the non-boyfriend, or Barely A Boyfriend (Or Human For That Matter), as he has recently been dubbed (Barely A Boyfriend for short), took advantage of me in the worst way possible, and you can take that to mean what you will but in any case it's probably along those lines or worse. I didn't think that he would hurt me like that, on a basic human level, not even as someone who once was important to him, but nothing is below him and the mere thought of him sickens me, and the mere thought of me being subjected to that, being vulnerable enough to be taken advantage of makes me feel horribly sick at myself.

Let's all just say, for good measure, that I don't want to talk about it as much as I appreciate your concern, which I really do, but I really want not to have to go into the remotest detail about that, so please don't contact me at all. I'm fine, really, more outraged than anything else (okay, untrue, besides being ridiculously betrayed and cut up over being fucked over occasionally, but really it's not as bad as it sounds). Give me a couple of days and the latter parts won't surface anymore, there's only so long one can cry about any sort of being screwed over.

So what I've found myself doing (and avoiding) constantly over the past few days is mortgages. I kid you not. I never thought it would come to this.

Needless to say life has been a ball, which isn't entirely untrue, because Halloween came and went, and that was suitably exciting and pictorial! However that has passed, and all I'm left with is the day-to-day drudgery. Oh, something exciting though, apropos to the current Obama-rama, my favourite law prof taught while he was at school, and was apparently pretty close to Obama's homies. Which is fairly cool, but then again this is the prof who's met Tom Cruise, who's had three students of his go on to become the presidents of their respective countries, so it's probably not that big a deal in his book. Anyway, apparently young!Obama managed the Harvard Law Review swimmingly, had this quiet dignity about him and everyone respected him. Okay yeah so I was hoping for something a little more scandalous from an insider's take, but oh well, this will have to do.

As usual I'm way behind, in school and in updating, and especially in posting pictures (Bake My Day pictorials have been languishing sadly), but I hope to rectify that, in the manner that people generally hope for world peace. Soon there shall be Halloween pictorials, but first, a bit more day-to-day drudgery. So I've recently severed a boyfriendly appendage from my life, and everyone's been asking how I'm doing so this is how I'm doing: I'm alright and adjusting. It's strange and awful, cutting out the most significant part of your life, so right now I'm just trying to figure out what I should do next, and how to stay friends with Fong without having the undead monster of our romantic entanglements rearing its ugly head (it's not so much the romantic entanglements that were ugly, so much as his reaction to said entanglements and his inability to emote or deal with anything, or think about things, and how emotionally-sapping those disabilities were for me). Because he's hilarious and great (even if screwed up, with a penchant for being awful), and I want him around fairly regularly, because he's been my nearest and dearest for almost two years and I don't want that to stop? Well I'll keep you posted, at any rate I'm pretty good, even if adjusting.

Wow I've got mortgages to do (boo), so I shall leave you with something significantly less terrifying - ( a Halloween preview. )